


The Mjolnir Olympics

by vansleeds



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Fic, Fuck The Russo Brothers, Gen, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, brief stevebucky, loki is alive too, tony is alive and steve retires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-10-30 03:35:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20807867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vansleeds/pseuds/vansleeds
Summary: project: let’s get mjolnired!steve: remember, whoever comes first gets the guest room! everyone else better bring a tent !natasha: please tell me ur jokingsteve: i’m nottony: whatever, i’m sure my tent is more convenient than your tiny guest room. i bet you don’t even have ACsteve: i have fanstony: …sam: …peter: mr stark?tony: no kidpeter: but mr stark—or the Alternative Endgame Ending: Steve retires and fucks off to the Bahamas where he lives with his dog in a small beach-front cabin with a beautiful garden. Every summer he invites all of the Avengers for a week-long party at his ‘resort’. One night, upon Thor’s drunk induced jealousy, the Mjolnir Olympics ensue.





	1. Chapter 1

Steve is sweeping the kitchen floor when two cars pull into the driveway right at the same time. He frowns. They aren’t supposed to come for another two days.

He walks out to the front of his house and leans against the door frame. Of course it would be Sam already jumping out of his cruiser and frantically grabbing his bags from the backseat.

“You really want to secure that guest room, huh?” Steve says with a hint of laughter in his voice.

And of course Nat would be the other one, storming out of her black Maserati, grabbing her suitcase from the trunk to start running towards the house without a word, Sam hot on her heels.

“Should I be running too?"

“You’d better, otherwise I hope you brought a tent,” Steve can’t stop the huge grin from overtaking his face when he sees one more person leaving Sam’s car. Bucky leans against the vehicle and smiles back at him. Steve walks up to him and stops to just take him in. His hair is slightly longer than the last time he was here, pulled into a small half-bun and his skin is deliciously sun kissed. His face is covered with a two-day scruff and his eyes are even more blue in the bright sunlight. He shakes his head with a smile and kisses Bucky passionately. God, he's missed this. “Took you long enough.”

“_You_, out of all people, should know that the world needs Captain America at all times.”

“But there’s two of them now.”

“But—“ Bucky is cut off because Steve is kissing him again, laughing into his mouth. “Punk.”

“Jerk,” Steve says and pulls out his phone to let everybody know the guestroom is off the market.

_steve: the guestroom’s taken_  
_peter: WHAT_  
_peter: isn’t it like,,, two days until the party starts?_  
_steve: yes_  
_peter: isn’t that cheating?_  
_steve: i said whoever was first. i didn’t say when you can start coming_  
_bucky: also, it’s sam_  
_rhodey: oh, of course it’s sam_  
_steve: or nat_  
_steve: they literally arrived at the same time_  
_tony: go check if they haven’t killed each other over the damn room yet_  
_steve: we’re on it_

Steve grabbs Bucky's tiny backpack from the car - he doesn’t need much because his frequent visits result in him leaving half of his belongings everywhere, and they walk into the house.

Bucky is nearly topped over by Nala, Steve's labrador, who jumps on him and starts licking his face as soon as they walk in.

"Nala! Hi baby! Yes, I missed you too!" Bucky says in a high pitched voice, kneeling down and letting her kiss him everywhere. Steve's heart is going to explode. He takes a quick picture before clearing his throat.

"You weren't half as happy to see me as you were to see her," he deadpans.

"You aren't half as great a kisser as she is," Bucky retorts, the joke evident in his voice, and winks. He gently pushes Nala away, gets up and points at the stairs. "Anyway, we should probably go upstairs to check if there's any blood to clean up yet."

The scene before them is to say the least surprising. They expected to see either Sam or Nat lying dead on the floor. What they didn’t expect was Scott and Hope lying on the bed and eating popcorn while watching TV, Sam and Nat nowhere in sight.

“What the fuck?” is all Steve manages to say.

“Oh, hi!” Scott chirps and looks at them with a wide smile. “Didn’t see you there. Drag Race can be so gripping sometimes,” he says, his eyes wide, before focusing back on the screen, Hope just waving at them briefly.

Steve glares at them and looks around the room. They look pretty settled in already, their clothes everywhere and wet swimming suits hung up in the window. “How-- How long have you been there? Where’s Sam and Nat?”

“Shh, they're about to lip sync for their lives!” Scott shushes him and leans forward, his eyes focused solely on the screen as he starts singing along to _Jealous of My Boogie_.

This must be a joke. Steve just walks up to the TV and turns it off, Scott and Hope protesting loudly. “I won’t ask again.”

“They’re putting up their tents,” Hope explains. “And we’ve been here for what? Three days?”

“I’d say it’s been four already,” Scott looks at her confused.

Steve makes a face.

“They’ve been here for four days and you didn’t know?” Bucky snorts from beside him. Steve elbows him in the guts.

“It’s their goddamn suits! How was I supposed to know?” Steve whines. "Now half of my fridge contents disappearing for no reason makes sense."

The entire room is laughing, and Steve finally cracks too. This is ridiculous.

_steve: y'all won't believe this shit_  
_tony: what now_  
_bucky: scott and hope have been there for four days already and steve didn't know_  
_peter: JHSDHHFSDJF_  
_steve: it's not funny young man_  
_peter: IT IS_  
_tony: they were oddly quiet in here, we should have seen it coming_  
_bruce: how does one not notice someone living in their house for FOUR days?_  
_steve: IT'S THEIR SUITS shut up!!!_  
_scott: you just wish you were as smart_  
_peter: ok but STILL! four (4) days!!!!_  
_thor: hi guys off topic but can korg come too_  
_bucky: omg he lives_  
_steve: ...sure?_  
_bruce: hi thor how are you!_  
_thor: hi bruce i'm well_  
_thor: btw he won't be a bother he doesn't even need a tent_  
_thor: he's literally a rock_  
_steve: ...:)_  
_steve: good_

Steve looks up from his phone and shakes his head at Bucky.

"This is gonna be a long week."


	2. Chapter 2

Three days later, there is a small gathering in Steve's kitchen.

Tony is looking out of the window with a frown on his face, his hand gently stirring the sugar in his coffee. "The beach in front of your house looks like a fucking scouts' camp." 

He isn't lying. There are about ten tents crowding Steve's private beach.

"No offence, but when I went to scouts' camps they didn't look like... this," Bucky points out from where he's sitting on the couch, his legs crossed in Steve's lap.

"Yeah, maybe because in the 40's nothing looked like... this," Tony waves his hands around dramatically. Bucky only huffs in response.

"To be honest, I don't think scouts' camps nowadays have inflatable two-story tents with various technology comforts inside either," Steve steps in to defend his boyfriend.

"Yeah, honey, I think he's right," Pepper walks into the kitchen and joins the conversation.

"Whatever, do kids even go to those anymore?" Tony rolls his eyes as he settles down on a bar stool.

"We were supposed to sign Morgan up for one, don't you remember?"

Tony's eyes widen as he tilts his head. "Well, that could have slipped my mind..."

"Thank God Morgan stayed with Happy and didn't hear this, she's been looking forward to it for so long," Pepper takes the mug from Tony's hands and walks out to the garden, sipping on the warm drink.

Tony is hot on her heels. "Do you think I should design her a tent like ours? I don't want her--"

There is a loud thump outside which causes the cabin to shake. It's followed by annoyed cries of the people in tents.

"The hell?" Steve quickly gets up from the sofa and runs to the beach. He can't believe his eyes.

There is a spaceship in the middle of the camping.

"What the hell, dude!" Peter gets out of his crushed tent and punches the vehicle. "Do you know how long it took me to figure out how to put this thing up?!"

The spaceship's entrance opens and Thor walks out of it , holding two twelve packs of what seems to be Asgardian beer. Behind him is Valkyrie, Korg and... Loki?

"My apologies, everyone. I still don't quite know how to fly this thing," Thor announces as he's walking down the stairs. "Please don't tell Quill I stole it," he says in a loud whisper and chuckles.

Peter's gobsmacked, his jaw dropped and eyes wide but he quickly recovers and immediately runs up to him. "Hi, Mr. Thor. I believe we haven't met yet. My name's Peter and I'm a huge fan." He extends his hand for a handshake. "Sorry for punching your spaceship."

Thor puts down the beers on the ground and extends his fist.

Peter looks at it in confusion before hit clicks in. "Oh, you prefer a fist bump. That's so cool, man!"

For some reason, their fist bump is one of those complicated friendship ones, as if they have known each other for years.

"Not to interrupt your lovely friendship ritual guys, but I fixed your tent," Korg points at Peter's tent, which is now standing proudly. "Sorry if there's some rocks in it, getting old is no picnic."

"Oh thanks, you didn't have to!" Peter answers with a confused laugh.

"Here, bro. Sorry for your tent," Thor hands Peter one of the beers. Just as the boy is about to take it, Tony snatches it from his hand, opens it and takes a big gulp, pulling away with a content sigh.

"Thanks for the offer, but the kid here is only sixteen and such beverages are not good for him," Tony patronises and looks pointedly at Peter, who just smiles awkwardly, points behind himself and mumbles "I should probably get going" before quickly walking away from an incoming lecture about underage drinking.

"How many times did I say _not_ to come by a spaceship? They're forbidden here," Steve hits Thor's shoulder lightly before embracing him in a tight hug. "I see the Guardians have been treating you well," he points at his well defined body and his well-groomed face.

"Wouldn't say so. Quill is insufferable and his constant masculinity feuds with Thor are beyond annoying," Loki chips in.

"Is it even safe for this one to be here?" Tony raises an eyebrow and nods his head towards Loki.

"He's a little lost, but he's fine," Valkyrie puts her shoulder around the God of Mischief, causing his face to break with disgust as he pushes her away. "Still stuck in 2012, is all."

Suddenly, Old Town Road starts blasting from the spaceship, making everybody jostle. "Let's get this party started!" Thor screams, walking out of the vehicle, beer bottle in hand.

* * *

Later that day, everyone is sat around a campfire, chatting in groups.

"So, how does it feel to be a god?" Peter asks Thor with wide, focused eyes. "This will sound weird but... is your blood red too?"

"I've never not been a god, so I wouldn't really know the difference," Thor answers with a shrug and chugs at his beer bottle absentmindedly. 

"Actually, I would beg to differ. Do you perhaps recall the time when Odin banished you from Asgard and Mjolnir and you were a simple human being? Those were the days, brother," Loki says with a nostalgic smirk.

"Ah, that. Yeah, it sucked pretty much, no offence," Thor finishes the bottle and throws it on the ground. "My blood is just like yours, though."

"Damn, here I went thinking it was blue or something," Peter says with a small pout.

The group to their right is solely focused on Steve and him being actually worthy of Mjolnir.

"How long have you known?" Sam asks, already a bit tipsy.

"Uh, actually it's been a long time when I think about it?" Steve frowns, lost in thought.

"You told me it was around Battle of New York, didn't you?" Bucky remembers.

"You knew all this time?!" Sam gasps, surprise evident in his face.

"Of course I did. Who do you think came up with all the pranks we did at the Avengers compound?" Bucky proudly admits and sticks his tongue out at Sam.

"So you're telling me it wasn't Thor who put the goddamn hammer on my toilet lid once?" Sam asks.

"Or when someone put it in front of my door and I had to leave my flat through the window for a week straight, it wasn't him either?" Natasha wanted to know too.

"Nope. That was all us," Bucky answers between his laughs, Steve wheezing, his head in his lap.

"Are you kidding me right now? Once someone put it on my remote control and all I could watch for a few days was fucking CBeebies," Clint sighs dramatically from where he is sitting with Nala.

"I mean, isn't that your favourite channel?" Nat asks, her voice really serious.

Clint stares at her blankly. "I don't want to hear you right now," he says and turns off his hearing aids.

"Excuse me? That wasn't even mean!" She punches him in the stomach, fake offended.

"As you know, I'm currently deaf and I've got better things to do," he turns his back to her and snuggles up to Nala, who licks his face contentedly.

"You guys have no idea how many times I did it to fuck with Thor too, so you're not the only victims," Steve finally says, having finally caught his breath after laughing so hard.

"Oh my God, remember when he was summoning Mjolnir and you extended your hand behind your back at the same time and it just... stopped in the air?" Bucky is barely able to say the whole sentence before he starts wheezing uncontrollably, eventually falling off his perch on the sand.

"What's so funny, brother?" Thor approaches them, stopping in front of Bucky, hands on his hips as he looks down at him. Bucky quickly collects himself and clears his throat.

"Oh, nothing in particular. Steve is just recalling how good it was to prank you before you knew he was worthy," Scott says in a breezy voice, earning an elbow in the stomach from Hope.

"You probably shouldn't have said that," Loki stage whispers from behind his brother, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "He's a bit drunk."

Thor throws off Loki's limb and hums noncommittally, squinting at Steve. "You-- You puny man... How can you wield something so powerful while being a mortal, that astounds me," he says with bewilderment in his voice. "How-- How long have you known?"

"A couple years," Steve says confidently, his smile triumphant.

"Wha-- Now it makes sense that it nudged a bit way back... uh... you know when. But wait," he pauses to hiccup a few times. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't really know, it was fun to have a secret as big as that. And the pranks, man," he looks knowingly at Bucky. "They were _the_ shit."

Suddenly, Thor's facial expression darkens and he simply extends his hand in front of him without saying a word.

"Uh oh, well! Good luck with that one, fellas" Loki smiles widely and makes quick exit in the cabin's direction.

After a moment, Mjolnir flies into Thor's hand and he walks up to Steve, carelessly flipping it in a bored manner. "If you're so smart, why don't you show me what you're capable of doing with _my_ hammer, hm?" He says in a low voice.

Steve, who can never turn down a challenge, stands up proudly and levels Thor with a look. They exchange a quick handshake. "You've got yourself a deal."

* * *

After an hour of brainstorming for different activities Steve and Thor could compete at and Peter's revelation that they should call the competition "The Mjolnir Olympics", everyone is sitting in a few rows in front of the camping, wrapped in blankets and munching away on french toast Bruce prepared.

Steve is preparing for the fight by stretching, Thor watching him in amusement as he mockingly stars doing squats, which earns him a scornful look from Valkyrie, who is cuddling with Carol on the top of their ship.

Bucky was decided to be the referee, so having dug up some whistle from the kitchen drawer, he is standing between Steve and Thor and clears his throat.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have gathered here today to test the abilities of these two handsome and relatively young men," he says in a very serious tone, the word 'relatively' earning him a kick in the shin from Steve, which he probably deserves. "Please welcome the retired legend that is Captain America!" He exclaims and 'the audience' starts clapping and whooping as Steve waves and bows at them. "And give it up for the one and only God of Thunder, the Mighty Thor!" The audience cheers again, Thor being the show off that he is sparks some lightning from his fingers before bowing down low. "There are no particular rules, just please refrain from violence and cheating. Alright, I suppose we can kick it off with round one: The Mjolnir Throw!"

Everyone is screaming excitedly as Steve and Thor assemble in front of the line drawn on the sand earlier.

"The person to throw Mjolnir the furthest wins this round," Bucky explains and blows the whistle. "You may begin!"

Steve and Thor look at each other in confusion. Steve points at his competition. "Gods first, I suppose."

Thor grins at him as he lifts Mjolnir from the ground. He starts flipping it with his wrist before throwing it ahead of himself. The audience gasps as their eyes follow the hammer flying into the distance.

"What the fuck?" the anticipation is disrupted by Tony's sudden appearance. "I went for a walk with Pepper and I come back to... _this_?"

"Oh, there you are! We were wondering if we could use your drone or something to measure the distances, because as of right now, Sam has to run all the way to where Mjolnir ends up," Steve says as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Tony gapes at him in silence.

"I mean, sure, but would somebody care to explain what the hell is all this first?" He looks at the audience with confusion.

"Long story short: Thor got drunk and jealous of Steve being worthy too, so now they're having a very manly competition called "The Mjolnir Olympics," Carol summarises from her place on the ship.

Tony doesn't say anything but puts on a bewildered smile before clicking some things on his watch, causing a small drone to fly in Mjolnir's direction.

After a minute it comes back. "5.18 miles, sir," Jarvis says.

Everyone makes an "oooooh" sound, Thor smiling ridiculously and bowing down. "Thank you, thank you. That was nothing."

Steve clicks his tongue at the roof of his mouth before summoning Mjolnir. "Prepare to lose," he says when it lands in his hand. He spins it a few times before lounging it forward, the drone following it right away.

Thor laughs loudly at Steve's threat, but a tiny hint of anxiety can be seen on his face.

The machine comes back shortly after. "6.07 miles, sir," Jarvis reports.

The crowd erupts in euphoric screams and clapping. Steve's whole body is overwhelmed with laughter at Thor's confused face.

"Steve is the official winner of the first round!" Bucky announces and gives his boyfriend a peck on the cheek.

"That cannot be true. This thing-- It must be rigged!" Thor exclaims and points angrily at the drone. Lightning accidentally shoots from his finger and collides with the machine, electrocuting it. It falls on the ground with a loud thump.

Everyone stares at in silence.

"Holy shit," Thor mumbles. "I--"

"Save it," Tony says in a bored voice. "Got millions of those. Just try not to electrocute someone else next time, sounds good?"

Thor nods briefly.

"Uh... should we move on to the next round?" Bucky asks tentatively. Everyone hums in agreement. "Alright, let's hear it for: Who's your daddy!"

There is a pause.

"I can't believe you named it like that," Steve sounds resigned as he's shaking his head.

"Five miles!" Sam suddenly shouts, barely breathing as he comes to a halt and collapses on the ground. "It was a bit over five miles! Why-- why are you staring at me?"

"Oh my God," Clint wheezes from his perch. "You actually-- You forgot Sam was counting the distance manually. I can't-- I can't do this."

"Wh-- What do you mean?" Sam gapes at everyone.

"Tony brought a drone," Steve explains quietly, avoiding Sam's gaze.

"You've got to be kidding me! And no one dared to tell me before I almost coughed up a lung from running so much?!"

Everyone but Sam is laughing, but eventually he gives in too, chuckling breathlessly.

"Anyway, back to round two!" Bucky exclaims after everything's calmed down. "In this one you must leave Mjolnir in some distance, then stand right next to each other and summon it at the same time. The person in whose hand it ends up in wins this round!"

"Easy peasy," Thor cracks his neck and throws the hammer ahead of himself effortlessly, it landing not so far away. He then joins Steve who's standing in the designated place. They nod at Bucky and he blows the whistle.

They both extend their arms forward and everyone watches as Mjolnir flies in their direction, although not with its usual speed and ease. It slows down as it comes closer, both competitors groaning in frustration, focused on task at hand.

It flies into Thor's hand.

He exclaims happily and gives it a gentle kiss. "My baby! I knew you'd never betray me!"

Steve shakes his head fondly, this competition more of a funny game to him than anything else, and pats Thor's back. "Congrats, bud."

"Thor is the official winner of the second round! We've got a tie!" Bucky announces. "Are you ready for the last round?"

The audience cheers, however not as excitedly as before.

"Alright, let's get to the good ol' arm wrestling! Whoever wins this round, wins the entire Olympics! The grand prize is obviously: honour!"

Peter and Bruce bring out a table and two chairs and settle them down in front of the competitors. They take their place, get comfortable and prepare their arms for the fight.

Bucky whistles.

For a long while neither of the arms budges at all.

"That makes no sense," Thor points out after ten minutes. "You're literally human and I'm a god."

"My strength isn't exactly human, though," Steve says. "If you were to take Sam for example, he wouldn't last thirty seconds. However, I'm pretty sure Buck's left arm could last quite long."

"Guess I will have to find out later," Thor winks and Steve scoffs.

They chat back and forth for half an hour more. That's when Steve begins to feel that his arm weakens a tiny bit, but he would never admit to that. He tries to ignore the fact that's it's slowly tipping in Thor's favour.

When twenty more minutes pass, he finally gives up. He can only take so much.

"YES!" Thor screams excitedly, throwing his hands in the air. "I WON!!!"

Steve laughs and turns to look at the audience, only to find... almost no one sitting in their places anymore. "Huh, so we were _that_ boring."

"Yes! Congratulations, Mr. Thor! I knew it!" Peter, the only one remaining, jumps up from his perch and runs to Thor to give him a fist bump. His smile soon falls and he turns to Steve with an apologetic expression. "Not that I doubted you, of course."

"It's alright, kid. I knew what I was in when I agreed for this stupid competition," he sighs tiredly.

"You knew you were going to lose?" Thor looks at him, surprised.

"Please, how could I stand a chance with the literal God of Thunder?" Steve chuckles.

"I have to admit that when you threw it so far I got scared for a second that you might win."

"Oh, stop it, I'm so flattered," Steve waves a hand in front of his chest dramatically.

"No, for real. Sometimes my ego can get to me, which I guess got it from my father, and I underestimated you, even though I shouldn't. Just because I'm a god doesn't mean I'm instantly better at everything. I'm sorry, that fight was stupid."

Steve knows that Thor is being very sincere, so he pulls him in for a half hug. "No worries. It was really entertaining for me and I enjoyed it."

"Well, the rest certainly didn't," Thor points out and chuckles.

"They just don't have taste," Peter says, watching the entire scene standing next to them.

"You again with your internet slang."Steve laughs and shakes his head. "We should probably go to sleep, Tony's got a bit of a surprise for everyone tomorrow."


End file.
